Bobal’s Babble: A Guide on How to Procrastinate

This blog is directed at all those poor souls who have an idea and pounce on it.

Those parents who are able to juggle kids and work whilst maintaining a spotless house and getting in an evening run. Those entrepreneurs who hold down a full-time job yet manage to spend endless hours devoted to extra curricula hobbies whilst making sure their hundreds of friends feel loved and cherished. Those busy professionals who put in 12 hour days whilst immaculately dressed before going to the gym, cooking a healthy tea and then going out for drinks with friends.

I understand how you long to put these things off and spend your time planning to do things whilst sat in your pyjamas or starting ambitious projects that you will never finish. Don’t worry there is a way. It is known as the Bobal Method and I am going to teach it to you.

The Bobal Method

Step 1: plan to set your alarm for 6AM every day, weekend or not, to train your body clock into springing out of bed each morning so as to really capitalise on those early hours.

When said alarm goes off, tell yourself you work hard and therefore deserve a little more sleep today but tomorrow you will get up at 6AM sharp.  The next day hit snooze every 10 minutes until it’s 8AM. The day after that compensate for a late night by having a morning without an alarm.

Before you know it, your mornings will be nice and chaotic resulting in you having 5 minutes less than the minimum time you need to get ready. This usually means that you must choose between being late,  not brushing your hair or wearing yesterday’s clothes which you will have helpfully left in a pile on the floor (see Step 2).

Step 2: plan to set out your outfit and lunch the night before when you’ve got loads of time to match shoes to tops and even pick jewellery out (yes Mack, I’m talking about you!)

Do this for night one and enjoy the next day when people compliment you on how good you look (because apparently my normal look is dragged through a hedge backwards) and how yummy your lunch looks.

On night two, sort your outfit out again but realise that you procrastinated doing the washing so pickings are slim. Once you’ve selected that skirt which you love but goes with nothing and that top with a hole in the armpit, go to the kitchen to make up your lunch. Whilst there find that you put off shopping in lieu of uploading your holiday snaps onto Facebook so wrap that night’s cold pizza up in some foil to take for lunch.

The next night you are too tired to even walk today’s clothes over to the washing basket so just discard them where you stand and veg in front of the telly. The next morning wear said scrunched up, dirty clothes and buy lunch out.

Step 3: make a promise to yourself to start that diet and fitness overhaul on Monday.

On Monday eat an entire pizza, drink half a bottle of wine and polish a bag of Minstrels off. You obviously can’t start being healthy this week after that so plan to start next Monday. Repeat Step 3.

Step 4: vow to go the gym more.

Then, each time the thought to go to the gym occurs to you, rationalise that you can’t because a) you just washed your hair so it would be a waste of nice hair, b) you didn’t shave your legs, c) your iPod has run out of battery, d) it’s Friday night – who goes to the gym on a Friday night? or e) all of the above.

Step 5: prepare for maternity leave with grand plans to bake cakes everyday, maintain an immaculate home, get fit and healthy and raise your baby in an effortless way; implementing a routine from day dot.

Then have baby, laugh at previous intentions and be thankful for each day you’re able to keep said baby alive and happy!

Step 6: decide to become the all singing and dancing version of yourself by being a fitness guru in the gym, a gourmet chef in the kitchen, a parent Super Nanny could be proud of and a DIY pro.

Trawl Google and Pinterest etc for inspiration and then make to do lists before dividing said lists into subcategories, making little tick boxes and underlining headings with pretty and coordinating colours. Keep adding to and rewriting the lists when you get renewed inspiration.

Never complete any of the tasks on your lists.

Step 7: (a homage to my university days) receive essay topic and deadline and plan to get top marks and hand essay in early.

Immediately go to note down deadline date in diary. Decide your diary is looking a little shabby so trawl the internet looking for a new diary to buy. Await arrival of said diary then take lots of different coloured pens to note all of your family and friends’ birthdays.

Forget to diarise essay deadline.

Three nights before the essay is due in, bump into a classmate who has just handed their essay in (nobody likes a smart arse) and run home to start your essay. Spend day one drafting an essay skeleton and then allow yourself to get talked into going out that night.

The next day, get up late with a hangover and spend the rest of the day paraphrasing Wikipedia to write your introduction whilst rewarding yourself with cookies.

On day 3, panic and spend the day berating your bone idleness on the phone to your friend then pull an all-nighter to cobble together an average essay. Spend the morning of D-day running around everywhere looking for a printer before slamming the finished product on the desk of the university’s receptionist with 5 minutes to go.

Finally, the ultimate step in procrastination, Step 8: start a blog!

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